You will marry LEGOLAS from Lord of the Rings, live in an ancient elven palace in the middle of the forest, and spend your days walking on top of snow and rowing ivory boats and just being beautiful.
What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Okay, apologies for the negativity of this blog, but I just have to vent.
I hate not being able to drive. I fucking HATE IT hate hate hate hate hate it.
Most of the time, it's not an issue, but I'm starting to think that it's eating me alive. My apathy is just out of control. I can't stick to my diet, I don't exercise, I don't do homework, I don't do JACK SHIT all day because I know that tomorrow will be another empty boring meaningless day when the only stuff I have to do is moderately unpleasant. So I sleep until noon, or one, or two, maybe get a couple of minor things accomplished, and spend the rest of the time eating, watching TV, wandering around and feeling like someone has sucked out my life force. Then my mom gets home, and we make/eat dinner and watch TV straight from 7pm until 11pm. Then I take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. I wake up the next day at noon and continue.
The exceptions are school days, when I wake up at 8 am feeling like my eyes are incapable of opening, with bed head and no sense of balance. I throw on some clothes, get my crap together, pile into the car for the rush hour trip to school. I'm at school until 3:30, pile back into the car, and chauffer my mom around to practice my driving skills. I tend to get more things accomplished those days because I am actually dressed to begin with.
The real problems come with the two things that really pissed me off today. I need to finish my ceramics project before class tomorrow, and I spent 3 hours working on it last night and made my knees sore as shit. It was almost done, but there was a large class of strange adults that all knew each other congregating at 6:30, so I had my mom pick me up before it started. Then me, Sheila and Mom went to Cluckers and had dinner with Sheila's daughter Sarah (hippie jesus freak) and her fiancee Abraham (ditto). They're both sweet people, very nice, and they both have no clue what they're getting into, getting married at 19 with no means of support. And her parents are so upset and frightened for her. But I digress...
So I tell my mom that I have to go back and finish my project tonight. But apparently her Christian friends have convinced her that she needs to seek a healthier relationship with God or some crap since Dad died, although it seems to me like their relationship is just fine. But anyway, they need to feel like they're useful or something, so they haul her off to some Christian women's dinner shit, and she goes to shut them up. Except she worked today, and didn't get home until 5:45. The dinner was at 6:30, so we had a small window of time (not enough for her to take me to CP). I say, if you'll just take me to the Arboretum, I'll take the bus from there to CP and finish my project. Then, since Sarah lives less than a mile from school, she can pick me up when I'm done at 9pm and I'll spend the night at her place, and she can take me to school in the morning. And yes, this is highly complicated, and I hate the fact that the Charlotte transit system has decided that everyone in Charlotte just instinctively knows where the bus stops are, and feels no need to communicate their exact location. And I would have to get on the bus carrying my backpack loaded with the books I'm required to bring to (drawing and ceramics!!!!) class every day, plus my overnight bag for Sarah's, plus my heavy giant-ass portfolio holding my drawing pad and newsprint pad, which I am also required to bring every day. Plus a jacket for tomorrow morning and my purse.
Well, Sarah's coming over to look at the new rug anyway, so she agrees to take the giant portfolio and overnight bag with her before she goes out to dinner with Beth. All's well and good. Mom comes home later than I expected and she farts around until 6:15, then races down to the Arboretum to the only bus stop she knows of, which is an unmarked one in the Wal-Mart parking lot. By then we don't have time to look for another one because she has to be somewhere in 5 minutes, so by now I'm so pissed off I'm like, fuck it. I don't care if I get it done. I'll just tell her I couldn't get there to finish it, and if she gives me a C, who cares because it's transfer credit anyway and it'll just be pass fail.
If I had a car, I could have gone in whenever I wanted and gotten it done with no problem, and wouldn't have had to mess with buses and rides down the road and getting picked up by someone else and having to spend the night and carrying 5 things on the bus late at night in a scary area of town.
Now I find out that the special deal I was depending on to go visit Pittsburgh on Valentine's Day weekend had to be reserved 3 days ago, not just a week in advance like I thought. So either I spend 300 dollars to connect through Philadelphia and go there Thursday night to Sunday night, or hope for an esaver which means I can only spend 2 days up there even though I have 4 days without classes. If I had a car, I could just make a goddamn road trip. I wouldn't have to search Amtrak, Greyhound, and USAir, or connect through Philadelphia, or any of that bullshit. I want a fucking car. I want to fucking drive myself and not have to deal with this shit any more. I've been dealing with it for 6 fucking years and I'm tired of it, I'm fucking tired of it. I've always been tired of it. Having to sit outside my high school by myself and listen to people talking about me, avoiding the drug dealers and 14 year old boys bent on impressing each other by insulting fat chicks. I was tired of it when I couldn't take advantage of senior lunches and either ended up being the 5th wheel with people I knew from class, sitting off to the side and being the weird chick who tagged along, or spending those special lunches in my English classroom eating the sandwich I brought. Of not being able to go out for weeks on end because I don't know anyone, and if I did I couldn't meet them at a bar or a movie theatre unless they picked me up for my MOM dropped me off.
I just want some friggin independence. I'm sick of public transit, I'm sick of walking around in scary neighborhoods when I don't know where I'm going, I'm sick of begging for rides and hoping my friends will drive down for the weekend so I can leave the house without a family member present. It's one thing when you're 15, that's life and everyone knows that. But I'm 21 years old, for chrissake.
I know I sound like a whiny little brat. Oh poor me, I don't have a car, so my life sucks. Think of all the other people who don't have cars, that have to try to work and take care of their kids without cars, or all the women in Afghanistan who wouldn't be able to drive even if they had a car, or the starving children in Africa who would just like a handful of rice. I know, I know, I KNOW. But goddamn it, I feel like I'm about to put my head through a wall. This is *my* goddamn socio-economic group, this is what is expected of me, this is what I'm allowed to do and what I'm supposed to be doing to be considered normal or healthy and I can't fucking do it, and it's pissing me off. I feel impotent and stifled.
Does it make me selfish if I do things that people think are 'so sweet', but in my head I really, really don't want to do them, just because I don't enjoy them? I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for weeks, and I kind of don't want to anymore. Actually, I haven't wanted to for some time. It lends no comfort to me, and I have to be superquiet and superstill, and she keeps wanting to hold my hand when we go to sleep. I know she likes that, but my hand falls asleep. I can't turn over. She's passed out in 5 minutes, but it takes me hours to fall asleep, even with the sleeping pill. Eventually I'll worm my hand out from under hers, trying not to wake her up and insult her or whatever, but there's no chance of sleeping until I do. Then I turn over carefully, sleep on the edge of the bed. When her alarm goes off in the morning I wake her up (she works T F, I go to school M W). She takes a shower, dries her hair, and invariably ends up talking LOUDLY on the phone with some random person for at least 1/2 and hour, grinds her coffee, clanks around the kitchen and finally leaves an hour later. I'm exhausted from being up until all hours trying to go to sleep, then having a fitful sleep because she yells at people in her sleep, or goes to the bathroom, or I have to roll over and move the cat in order to do so. And I'm just thinking 'shut up, SHUT UP and LEAVE' so I can get some sleep...
A lot of people think I'm this nice sweet honest person who does all these selfless things.... and inside I'm a vain, selfish, lazy bitch who most of the time, doesn't give a shit. My emotions are flat, like I automatically come with Prozac or some other mood stabilizer. I can't respond positively to people when they tell me good news. If they make a suggestion, my reply always sounds halfhearted. I don't like people telling me what to do, even if it's constructive, and I KNOW that what they're saying is right. I'll do the opposite if I can, or if I do what they tell me to I'm all pissy and juvenile about it.
I'd honestly like to work on this stuff, but I'm really starting to not care. I'll be the shallow emotionally retarded bitch because I don't feel like bothering to change. My motivation is shot. Even if I really want to do something, half the time I can't do it anyway, so I just give up and do nothing. I don't want to work, I don't have the energy to be productive or healthy, and I end up daydreaming or wasting time in any way possible.
This is really not a good time for me now. Luckily no one has really noticed.
I hate not being able to drive. I fucking HATE IT hate hate hate hate hate it.
Most of the time, it's not an issue, but I'm starting to think that it's eating me alive. My apathy is just out of control. I can't stick to my diet, I don't exercise, I don't do homework, I don't do JACK SHIT all day because I know that tomorrow will be another empty boring meaningless day when the only stuff I have to do is moderately unpleasant. So I sleep until noon, or one, or two, maybe get a couple of minor things accomplished, and spend the rest of the time eating, watching TV, wandering around and feeling like someone has sucked out my life force. Then my mom gets home, and we make/eat dinner and watch TV straight from 7pm until 11pm. Then I take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. I wake up the next day at noon and continue.
The exceptions are school days, when I wake up at 8 am feeling like my eyes are incapable of opening, with bed head and no sense of balance. I throw on some clothes, get my crap together, pile into the car for the rush hour trip to school. I'm at school until 3:30, pile back into the car, and chauffer my mom around to practice my driving skills. I tend to get more things accomplished those days because I am actually dressed to begin with.
The real problems come with the two things that really pissed me off today. I need to finish my ceramics project before class tomorrow, and I spent 3 hours working on it last night and made my knees sore as shit. It was almost done, but there was a large class of strange adults that all knew each other congregating at 6:30, so I had my mom pick me up before it started. Then me, Sheila and Mom went to Cluckers and had dinner with Sheila's daughter Sarah (hippie jesus freak) and her fiancee Abraham (ditto). They're both sweet people, very nice, and they both have no clue what they're getting into, getting married at 19 with no means of support. And her parents are so upset and frightened for her. But I digress...
So I tell my mom that I have to go back and finish my project tonight. But apparently her Christian friends have convinced her that she needs to seek a healthier relationship with God or some crap since Dad died, although it seems to me like their relationship is just fine. But anyway, they need to feel like they're useful or something, so they haul her off to some Christian women's dinner shit, and she goes to shut them up. Except she worked today, and didn't get home until 5:45. The dinner was at 6:30, so we had a small window of time (not enough for her to take me to CP). I say, if you'll just take me to the Arboretum, I'll take the bus from there to CP and finish my project. Then, since Sarah lives less than a mile from school, she can pick me up when I'm done at 9pm and I'll spend the night at her place, and she can take me to school in the morning. And yes, this is highly complicated, and I hate the fact that the Charlotte transit system has decided that everyone in Charlotte just instinctively knows where the bus stops are, and feels no need to communicate their exact location. And I would have to get on the bus carrying my backpack loaded with the books I'm required to bring to (drawing and ceramics!!!!) class every day, plus my overnight bag for Sarah's, plus my heavy giant-ass portfolio holding my drawing pad and newsprint pad, which I am also required to bring every day. Plus a jacket for tomorrow morning and my purse.
Well, Sarah's coming over to look at the new rug anyway, so she agrees to take the giant portfolio and overnight bag with her before she goes out to dinner with Beth. All's well and good. Mom comes home later than I expected and she farts around until 6:15, then races down to the Arboretum to the only bus stop she knows of, which is an unmarked one in the Wal-Mart parking lot. By then we don't have time to look for another one because she has to be somewhere in 5 minutes, so by now I'm so pissed off I'm like, fuck it. I don't care if I get it done. I'll just tell her I couldn't get there to finish it, and if she gives me a C, who cares because it's transfer credit anyway and it'll just be pass fail.
If I had a car, I could have gone in whenever I wanted and gotten it done with no problem, and wouldn't have had to mess with buses and rides down the road and getting picked up by someone else and having to spend the night and carrying 5 things on the bus late at night in a scary area of town.
Now I find out that the special deal I was depending on to go visit Pittsburgh on Valentine's Day weekend had to be reserved 3 days ago, not just a week in advance like I thought. So either I spend 300 dollars to connect through Philadelphia and go there Thursday night to Sunday night, or hope for an esaver which means I can only spend 2 days up there even though I have 4 days without classes. If I had a car, I could just make a goddamn road trip. I wouldn't have to search Amtrak, Greyhound, and USAir, or connect through Philadelphia, or any of that bullshit. I want a fucking car. I want to fucking drive myself and not have to deal with this shit any more. I've been dealing with it for 6 fucking years and I'm tired of it, I'm fucking tired of it. I've always been tired of it. Having to sit outside my high school by myself and listen to people talking about me, avoiding the drug dealers and 14 year old boys bent on impressing each other by insulting fat chicks. I was tired of it when I couldn't take advantage of senior lunches and either ended up being the 5th wheel with people I knew from class, sitting off to the side and being the weird chick who tagged along, or spending those special lunches in my English classroom eating the sandwich I brought. Of not being able to go out for weeks on end because I don't know anyone, and if I did I couldn't meet them at a bar or a movie theatre unless they picked me up for my MOM dropped me off.
I just want some friggin independence. I'm sick of public transit, I'm sick of walking around in scary neighborhoods when I don't know where I'm going, I'm sick of begging for rides and hoping my friends will drive down for the weekend so I can leave the house without a family member present. It's one thing when you're 15, that's life and everyone knows that. But I'm 21 years old, for chrissake.
I know I sound like a whiny little brat. Oh poor me, I don't have a car, so my life sucks. Think of all the other people who don't have cars, that have to try to work and take care of their kids without cars, or all the women in Afghanistan who wouldn't be able to drive even if they had a car, or the starving children in Africa who would just like a handful of rice. I know, I know, I KNOW. But goddamn it, I feel like I'm about to put my head through a wall. This is *my* goddamn socio-economic group, this is what is expected of me, this is what I'm allowed to do and what I'm supposed to be doing to be considered normal or healthy and I can't fucking do it, and it's pissing me off. I feel impotent and stifled.
Does it make me selfish if I do things that people think are 'so sweet', but in my head I really, really don't want to do them, just because I don't enjoy them? I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for weeks, and I kind of don't want to anymore. Actually, I haven't wanted to for some time. It lends no comfort to me, and I have to be superquiet and superstill, and she keeps wanting to hold my hand when we go to sleep. I know she likes that, but my hand falls asleep. I can't turn over. She's passed out in 5 minutes, but it takes me hours to fall asleep, even with the sleeping pill. Eventually I'll worm my hand out from under hers, trying not to wake her up and insult her or whatever, but there's no chance of sleeping until I do. Then I turn over carefully, sleep on the edge of the bed. When her alarm goes off in the morning I wake her up (she works T F, I go to school M W). She takes a shower, dries her hair, and invariably ends up talking LOUDLY on the phone with some random person for at least 1/2 and hour, grinds her coffee, clanks around the kitchen and finally leaves an hour later. I'm exhausted from being up until all hours trying to go to sleep, then having a fitful sleep because she yells at people in her sleep, or goes to the bathroom, or I have to roll over and move the cat in order to do so. And I'm just thinking 'shut up, SHUT UP and LEAVE' so I can get some sleep...
A lot of people think I'm this nice sweet honest person who does all these selfless things.... and inside I'm a vain, selfish, lazy bitch who most of the time, doesn't give a shit. My emotions are flat, like I automatically come with Prozac or some other mood stabilizer. I can't respond positively to people when they tell me good news. If they make a suggestion, my reply always sounds halfhearted. I don't like people telling me what to do, even if it's constructive, and I KNOW that what they're saying is right. I'll do the opposite if I can, or if I do what they tell me to I'm all pissy and juvenile about it.
I'd honestly like to work on this stuff, but I'm really starting to not care. I'll be the shallow emotionally retarded bitch because I don't feel like bothering to change. My motivation is shot. Even if I really want to do something, half the time I can't do it anyway, so I just give up and do nothing. I don't want to work, I don't have the energy to be productive or healthy, and I end up daydreaming or wasting time in any way possible.
This is really not a good time for me now. Luckily no one has really noticed.
Monday, January 28, 2002
well, I went to the play friday night, after going to dinner at bistro 100 with sheila and her sister in law and mom. goood food. I got food with ingredients I don't even *like*, and it was awesome. the play rocked, too. Moliere had a great sense of humor, and they updated it in interesting ways. the film stuff was a tad on the cheesy side, but once I figured out it was supposed to be in the near future, I was like, oh, I get it. Not supposed to be modernly hip, just 'futuristic'. But the acting was excellent, the costumes a bit on the dramatic side, but some very nice, and the words were heavenly.
And I saw Mr. Baucom & Ms. Prowe there! He knew my name, too, he was like, hi Wendy! He didn't even always know my name when I was in his class, but 4 years later and he knows exactly who I am. I'm like, damn, good for you! And my mom ran into some park crossing friends and they had their whole little I'm so sorry how are you doing talk.
Afterwards, Caron picked me up and we went to the fairview grill. I drank a couple of Killians, we played a game of pool and a couple games of electronic darts (I'm not bad at darts, I suck ass at pool). John looks kind of like the singer of System of a Down, but with blonde hair. He has the freaky beard, and a kind of a fro wave thing going on. Max has piercings all over the place, and this androgenous look that makes me hope he never winds up in prison. Anyway, we had a not-so-bad time, even with the heavy yuppie staring crowd, and the pool-cue to the ass while I was waiting at the bar for my beer. It didn't hurt, and he apologized and kinda flirted with me, so I smiled like a moron and forgave him.
I have to do a load of bar clothes. They're stinky.
Mom bought a new TV and DVD today for her bedroom. So we hooked it up, popped in Independence Day, and snuggled in the supercomfy kingsize bed with popcorn and IBC. Whee! New toy. Gooood stuff. Fun fun fun.
Going to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break to hang out w/John in his trailer (I will not be condescending, I will NOT be condescending), then on to Key West for 3 days, then back to Ft L for a day or two, then back home. Driving both ways. Yay road trip.
Why am I so sore? Oh yeah, I was standing up all day drawing and doing ceramics. Duh. Have to take the bus in tomorrow so I can finish my needlessly complex project. Anus.
Need to sleep. Knees hurt, eyes tired. I can sleep in tomorrow! yay.
New quote: "Yeah, Wendy, but you're not a girl." - Caron
(in reference to the fact that I am not a clothes hog, and wear one outfit per day, and usually rewear half my stuff before I wash it. Apparently other girls change like 5 times a day and never rewear their clothes. WTF? Who has time to do 3 loads of laundry a week? Whatever. She said that and I burst out laughing.)
Soooo tired. Good night Ayako! Good night, world.
And I saw Mr. Baucom & Ms. Prowe there! He knew my name, too, he was like, hi Wendy! He didn't even always know my name when I was in his class, but 4 years later and he knows exactly who I am. I'm like, damn, good for you! And my mom ran into some park crossing friends and they had their whole little I'm so sorry how are you doing talk.
Afterwards, Caron picked me up and we went to the fairview grill. I drank a couple of Killians, we played a game of pool and a couple games of electronic darts (I'm not bad at darts, I suck ass at pool). John looks kind of like the singer of System of a Down, but with blonde hair. He has the freaky beard, and a kind of a fro wave thing going on. Max has piercings all over the place, and this androgenous look that makes me hope he never winds up in prison. Anyway, we had a not-so-bad time, even with the heavy yuppie staring crowd, and the pool-cue to the ass while I was waiting at the bar for my beer. It didn't hurt, and he apologized and kinda flirted with me, so I smiled like a moron and forgave him.
I have to do a load of bar clothes. They're stinky.
Mom bought a new TV and DVD today for her bedroom. So we hooked it up, popped in Independence Day, and snuggled in the supercomfy kingsize bed with popcorn and IBC. Whee! New toy. Gooood stuff. Fun fun fun.
Going to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break to hang out w/John in his trailer (I will not be condescending, I will NOT be condescending), then on to Key West for 3 days, then back to Ft L for a day or two, then back home. Driving both ways. Yay road trip.
Why am I so sore? Oh yeah, I was standing up all day drawing and doing ceramics. Duh. Have to take the bus in tomorrow so I can finish my needlessly complex project. Anus.
Need to sleep. Knees hurt, eyes tired. I can sleep in tomorrow! yay.
New quote: "Yeah, Wendy, but you're not a girl." - Caron
(in reference to the fact that I am not a clothes hog, and wear one outfit per day, and usually rewear half my stuff before I wash it. Apparently other girls change like 5 times a day and never rewear their clothes. WTF? Who has time to do 3 loads of laundry a week? Whatever. She said that and I burst out laughing.)
Soooo tired. Good night Ayako! Good night, world.
Friday, January 25, 2002
I am bored off my ass. Actually, that's not true, I'm bored on my ass. As in, sitting at the computer looking for an interesting blog where people can spell correctly. (if I was a total smart ass, i would spell out 'correctly', but it would be annoying). I'm now all depressed because I have no life whatsoever, and even worse, I'm pissed off that people I don't know aren't posting about their more interesting lives.
Waiting for Ayako to get back online so we can chat about how much I suck at interpersonal relationships. Perhaps, as I am feeling rude and crappy, this is not the best time for it.
I'm looking for dark classical music on Morpheus... we were watching ice skating the other night (one of my more feminine indulgences) and this girl skated to some really kick-ass music, and I recognized it from Interview with the Vampire. It was something like 'morbid dance', but in another language, or... something... ahhh, I can't remember the name. Damnit.
Found it! Not through the ice skating website, they have no useful information there. Through the love of my life, google. That led me to andante, apparently a clearinghouse of classical music. The song is "Dance Macabre", aka Dance of Death. How like me, that the classical music I like has to do with death and vampires.
.... and it's on Morpheus. Yeah, BABY!
what's really funny is that the William Tell Overture kicked into 'Lone Ranger' mode just as I started to download it, so I'm now in a frenzy for it to download. Come on, come on, can't you tell this needs to be done *quickly*??? But the only person who has it apparently has the slowest modem on earth, and it will take me 3 months for it to completely download. Argh.
Now *that's* attractive. Somebody named 'VaginaFaceMan' is downloading 'paperback writer', which, in an eerie coincidence, is playing from my lengthy MP3 playlist as I write this. That was lovely. Of course, Caron's MusicCity name is 'MyButtIsGodlike', or some such thing. It was late. We were tired.
Found a short version... ohhhhhh, it's so good. too happy. I have to say, there's not a lot of music that can stir me in the way that classical can. Certain songs make my eyes roll back in my head, they're so good.
Oh wait, that wasn't where I heard it. It wasn't in IwtV, at least I don't think so. It was in Tombstone, of all things, while they were watching a play of Dr. Faustus.
Whoops, it just occurred to me that it's nearly 11 pm, and even classical music would not be welcome playing that loudly. Even on a Friday night.
I'm way too hesitant to contact people I know. For some reason, with total strangers I'm fine emailing them my most private thoughts. But when it comes to someone I kind of know, I'm never sure if it's completely weird or unwelcome for me to make an advance. This is why I will never make friends. Well, that and I'm on a computer, still in my PJs at 11 pm on a Friday night, listening to morbid classical music and blogging. At the very least I should be watching a movie, that's at least forgivable. Ugh.
Fuck 'em. I'm crankin' it. I found the full 24 minute version, and it's MINE.
Okay, my ass is sore and I'm sick of surfing. Good night everyone.
Waiting for Ayako to get back online so we can chat about how much I suck at interpersonal relationships. Perhaps, as I am feeling rude and crappy, this is not the best time for it.
I'm looking for dark classical music on Morpheus... we were watching ice skating the other night (one of my more feminine indulgences) and this girl skated to some really kick-ass music, and I recognized it from Interview with the Vampire. It was something like 'morbid dance', but in another language, or... something... ahhh, I can't remember the name. Damnit.
Found it! Not through the ice skating website, they have no useful information there. Through the love of my life, google. That led me to andante, apparently a clearinghouse of classical music. The song is "Dance Macabre", aka Dance of Death. How like me, that the classical music I like has to do with death and vampires.
.... and it's on Morpheus. Yeah, BABY!
what's really funny is that the William Tell Overture kicked into 'Lone Ranger' mode just as I started to download it, so I'm now in a frenzy for it to download. Come on, come on, can't you tell this needs to be done *quickly*??? But the only person who has it apparently has the slowest modem on earth, and it will take me 3 months for it to completely download. Argh.
Now *that's* attractive. Somebody named 'VaginaFaceMan' is downloading 'paperback writer', which, in an eerie coincidence, is playing from my lengthy MP3 playlist as I write this. That was lovely. Of course, Caron's MusicCity name is 'MyButtIsGodlike', or some such thing. It was late. We were tired.
Found a short version... ohhhhhh, it's so good. too happy. I have to say, there's not a lot of music that can stir me in the way that classical can. Certain songs make my eyes roll back in my head, they're so good.
Oh wait, that wasn't where I heard it. It wasn't in IwtV, at least I don't think so. It was in Tombstone, of all things, while they were watching a play of Dr. Faustus.
Whoops, it just occurred to me that it's nearly 11 pm, and even classical music would not be welcome playing that loudly. Even on a Friday night.
I'm way too hesitant to contact people I know. For some reason, with total strangers I'm fine emailing them my most private thoughts. But when it comes to someone I kind of know, I'm never sure if it's completely weird or unwelcome for me to make an advance. This is why I will never make friends. Well, that and I'm on a computer, still in my PJs at 11 pm on a Friday night, listening to morbid classical music and blogging. At the very least I should be watching a movie, that's at least forgivable. Ugh.
Fuck 'em. I'm crankin' it. I found the full 24 minute version, and it's MINE.
Okay, my ass is sore and I'm sick of surfing. Good night everyone.
Well, I did, in fact, exercise yesterday. I did pretty well, too, although that was probably spurred on by guilt, since I did almost no homework. Now today is my homework day, and maybe a little Tae-bo. Any exercise where you can pretend to punch your instructor is a good thing. ;)
I realized yesterday that there are a number of things which I enjoy that would be considered weird by most people. I suppose everyone has this kind of list, but I'd like to think of mine as somewhat unique. For instance, I enjoy snacking on dried stuffing. Stove-Top, preferably, since it's usually not even good when you prepare it. I also actually like Vanilla Slim-Fast, although it's an aquired taste. Luckily I acquired it years ago, before I was on a diet.
Caron's coming home this weekend. Apparently we need some relationship counseling, as she called me up the other day to tell me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. I talked it out with her awhile, and it seems that her concern (or at least what set her off) was that I don't care about what happens to her as much as an almost total stranger (Ayako) does.
I think my main problem is that I'm not good at feigning interest. I know Caron does the same when I talk about my life (well, you kind of have to feign interest there). It's a problem I've noticed before. I don't know what it is, but I just do not register emotions very much, even when I feel something, so it's really hard for me to register emotion when I don't feel anything at all. I just can't seem to make myself seem excited about something. I really think I'm some sort of sociopath. But of course, that's based on one of those 'what mental disease or defect do YOU have' websites (not the link I put up recently). So you have to take my assessment with a grain of salt.
Anyway, her boyfriend did something that she thought was really sweet, and I was just a little hesitant to talk much about it because A) I don't like her boyfriend and B) my mother was in the room. Sure, I could have moved, but I thought it was a *little* insulting since she was just watching tennis, and that doesn't require her to hear the TV, so it would be kind of like, okay, I don't trust you to listen to my conversation, or whatever. I dunno. Anyway, she was all excited, and I made like no commentary, so she was a little disappointed when I hung up with her. Then she chatted with Ayako about it, and I don't know if Ayako made all the appropriate, 'Awww, that's so sweet!' comments, or if they just chatted about my shortcomings for an hour, or what, but Caron called back and left a message on my cell phone telling me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. I didn't get the message, but she's right - even if I had I wouldn't have thought much of it, since she says that every time I don't call her back (which is often). So Caron and I had a decent talk, where she was all pissed and crying when she called, and we ended up being on pretty good terms by the time we hung up, and she was planning on taking me out next weekend to 'get a life'. Not that I don't need one or anything, but I doubt I'll find it at a bar with her loser boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/booty call/best friend, whatever the hell he is. I don't like the guy, I'm sorry. I don't care if he's sweet to her - I'm glad he makes her happy, I really am, and I told her that, but that will not change the fact that I really don't like him. He's a big loser and I know he would be mean to me again, given the chance. I don't like people that try to insult everyone whenever possible. I know Caron doesn't mind that because she doesn't take it seriously, but considering that I hold myself back from even making constructive criticism because I don't like to hurt anyone, which sometimes makes my life hell because I KNOW I should be saying these things for everyone's best interest, but I can't... and here this asshole goes around insulting people because he feels like it, or it's the only way he can prove his wit, or whatever - I just don't like the guy. So I'm sorry if I'm not all gushy because he did some nice thing for Caron, he pisses me off. He always has, and although Caron might not think so, I've withheld most of my criticism of him over the years. I met him before I met Caron, and he has continued to be part of her life, dead or alive, apparently, ever since I've known Caron, or almost.
No one else will have any idea what I'm talking about, but this is good and purging for me. Especially because Ayako and I are going to have a chat to improve Caron and I's relationship. Which is probably a good thing. I'm half thinking that right now is an excellent time to do some good serious introspection. The other half of me thinks that I'm trying to hold so much heaviness away from me right now, considering all that's gone on in my life recently, that if I let anything in I'll just collapse from the weight. But hell, I'll give it a try and see.
Frankly, I was rather offended at Caron getting all pissed off at me because I'm not concerned enough about her relationship with a guy that she knows I don't like. I listen, don't I? Make an occasional uh huh. I mean, considering how much she's lied to me, I mean outright lied to me about major, major shit, like deaths and miscarriages and abortions, so much that I can't even remember what's really supposed to have gone on, who the fuck is she to make a comment about how I react to her when she talks to me? No wonder I don't get incredibly committal about stuff. I mean, last year she told me John was dead, shot by drug dealers, and even went into all this friggin detail about his funeral and putting pot in his coffin and all this shit. And I knew, I KNEW the whole time she was lying off her ass. Whether it was to make Jason happy, or add some more drama in her life, or because John told her to, to get the cops off his back, or whatever - she had no right to do that. I mean, it would be one thing if she really believed it, and told me then - but I could tell she was lying. She was way too happy and excited and false-emotional about it. I mean, something that major, happening to your friend since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL, you are not fooled! Who the fuck... I mean, I believed her over the phone because she called me up at 3 am crying because she had a miscarriage. I was freaking out because I thought she was pregnant, because I thought she was considering an abortion, and I'm pretty sure she made it all up. The pregnancy, the abortion/miscarriage, whatever, I think it was all fake, but now I can't even remember what her current story is.
You should not have to worry about this shit with your friends.
So no wonder if I've learned to take it easy when she tells me stuff. I mean, I assume that some stuff is so trivial that she wouldn't lie to me about it, but how the fuck can I tell now? I don't know what's coming out of her mouth. I can't trust what she says. I half believe everything she tells me, react to it, pretend and go along with whatever the big lie is this time, but in the back of my mind I'm like, yeah fucking right. I'll just hold off on that until I get further confirmation from a source I can trust. Jesus Christ, too much drama in this fucking friendship. Of course, that would be Caron, miss 90% more drama than the average person. Or whatever the number is.
I know she has to have all the attention, I know that she needs spotlight, but she's not gonna get any more attention from me. If anything, the more shit she makes up, the less important she becomes to me, because it shows that she just can't take our friendship as it is, she has to improve it, she has to milk me for sympathy or attention or whatever. Maybe the reason I've been with her so long, through all this shit, is that exact same quality she was complaining about the other night. She's trying to get blood from a stone.
Well, now that I've unloaded this, maybe that'll help me tonight when I talk with Ayako. Help her understand why I'm not exactly thrilled to be the one who needs counseling here. But I know that I'm not perfect, any more than Caron is, which is why I've agreed to the chatting. I know I need some work on the whole emoting thing. Because Ayako doesn't have these sorts of problems, but still I think the relationship is much weaker and more fucked up on my side than it is hers. I know I have issues, there's no question about that. I just don't always have the strength or courage or willpower or whatever, I don't have the stuff to overcome them, or even work on them. But I know that self-improvement is possible with me, it's just damn hard and takes a lot of time and effort. And as we all know, willpower is not my strong point. However, I have decided that the point of life is self-improvement, and I have a lot of crap to get over before I become even a 'normal' person, let alone .. not a better person, but ... more fulfilled, I guess. More complete. A satisfied person. I just need to focus my thoughts and energies, and not let the apathy and complacency that has always been too much in me get me down. Self-improvement is the word of the day, people, and if I can improve myself and my ability to participate in relationships, then it will be that much harder for me to criticize myself, or feel guilty. And if crap happens on the other side of the friendship or whatever, then I will be able to take a good long look and see what part of it was my doing, and what part of it was theirs.
Sigh... Mary J has it right. I'm such a white girl, so it's corny for me to say this, but seriously... no more drama!
I realized yesterday that there are a number of things which I enjoy that would be considered weird by most people. I suppose everyone has this kind of list, but I'd like to think of mine as somewhat unique. For instance, I enjoy snacking on dried stuffing. Stove-Top, preferably, since it's usually not even good when you prepare it. I also actually like Vanilla Slim-Fast, although it's an aquired taste. Luckily I acquired it years ago, before I was on a diet.
Caron's coming home this weekend. Apparently we need some relationship counseling, as she called me up the other day to tell me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. I talked it out with her awhile, and it seems that her concern (or at least what set her off) was that I don't care about what happens to her as much as an almost total stranger (Ayako) does.
I think my main problem is that I'm not good at feigning interest. I know Caron does the same when I talk about my life (well, you kind of have to feign interest there). It's a problem I've noticed before. I don't know what it is, but I just do not register emotions very much, even when I feel something, so it's really hard for me to register emotion when I don't feel anything at all. I just can't seem to make myself seem excited about something. I really think I'm some sort of sociopath. But of course, that's based on one of those 'what mental disease or defect do YOU have' websites (not the link I put up recently). So you have to take my assessment with a grain of salt.
Anyway, her boyfriend did something that she thought was really sweet, and I was just a little hesitant to talk much about it because A) I don't like her boyfriend and B) my mother was in the room. Sure, I could have moved, but I thought it was a *little* insulting since she was just watching tennis, and that doesn't require her to hear the TV, so it would be kind of like, okay, I don't trust you to listen to my conversation, or whatever. I dunno. Anyway, she was all excited, and I made like no commentary, so she was a little disappointed when I hung up with her. Then she chatted with Ayako about it, and I don't know if Ayako made all the appropriate, 'Awww, that's so sweet!' comments, or if they just chatted about my shortcomings for an hour, or what, but Caron called back and left a message on my cell phone telling me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. I didn't get the message, but she's right - even if I had I wouldn't have thought much of it, since she says that every time I don't call her back (which is often). So Caron and I had a decent talk, where she was all pissed and crying when she called, and we ended up being on pretty good terms by the time we hung up, and she was planning on taking me out next weekend to 'get a life'. Not that I don't need one or anything, but I doubt I'll find it at a bar with her loser boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/booty call/best friend, whatever the hell he is. I don't like the guy, I'm sorry. I don't care if he's sweet to her - I'm glad he makes her happy, I really am, and I told her that, but that will not change the fact that I really don't like him. He's a big loser and I know he would be mean to me again, given the chance. I don't like people that try to insult everyone whenever possible. I know Caron doesn't mind that because she doesn't take it seriously, but considering that I hold myself back from even making constructive criticism because I don't like to hurt anyone, which sometimes makes my life hell because I KNOW I should be saying these things for everyone's best interest, but I can't... and here this asshole goes around insulting people because he feels like it, or it's the only way he can prove his wit, or whatever - I just don't like the guy. So I'm sorry if I'm not all gushy because he did some nice thing for Caron, he pisses me off. He always has, and although Caron might not think so, I've withheld most of my criticism of him over the years. I met him before I met Caron, and he has continued to be part of her life, dead or alive, apparently, ever since I've known Caron, or almost.
No one else will have any idea what I'm talking about, but this is good and purging for me. Especially because Ayako and I are going to have a chat to improve Caron and I's relationship. Which is probably a good thing. I'm half thinking that right now is an excellent time to do some good serious introspection. The other half of me thinks that I'm trying to hold so much heaviness away from me right now, considering all that's gone on in my life recently, that if I let anything in I'll just collapse from the weight. But hell, I'll give it a try and see.
Frankly, I was rather offended at Caron getting all pissed off at me because I'm not concerned enough about her relationship with a guy that she knows I don't like. I listen, don't I? Make an occasional uh huh. I mean, considering how much she's lied to me, I mean outright lied to me about major, major shit, like deaths and miscarriages and abortions, so much that I can't even remember what's really supposed to have gone on, who the fuck is she to make a comment about how I react to her when she talks to me? No wonder I don't get incredibly committal about stuff. I mean, last year she told me John was dead, shot by drug dealers, and even went into all this friggin detail about his funeral and putting pot in his coffin and all this shit. And I knew, I KNEW the whole time she was lying off her ass. Whether it was to make Jason happy, or add some more drama in her life, or because John told her to, to get the cops off his back, or whatever - she had no right to do that. I mean, it would be one thing if she really believed it, and told me then - but I could tell she was lying. She was way too happy and excited and false-emotional about it. I mean, something that major, happening to your friend since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL, you are not fooled! Who the fuck... I mean, I believed her over the phone because she called me up at 3 am crying because she had a miscarriage. I was freaking out because I thought she was pregnant, because I thought she was considering an abortion, and I'm pretty sure she made it all up. The pregnancy, the abortion/miscarriage, whatever, I think it was all fake, but now I can't even remember what her current story is.
You should not have to worry about this shit with your friends.
So no wonder if I've learned to take it easy when she tells me stuff. I mean, I assume that some stuff is so trivial that she wouldn't lie to me about it, but how the fuck can I tell now? I don't know what's coming out of her mouth. I can't trust what she says. I half believe everything she tells me, react to it, pretend and go along with whatever the big lie is this time, but in the back of my mind I'm like, yeah fucking right. I'll just hold off on that until I get further confirmation from a source I can trust. Jesus Christ, too much drama in this fucking friendship. Of course, that would be Caron, miss 90% more drama than the average person. Or whatever the number is.
I know she has to have all the attention, I know that she needs spotlight, but she's not gonna get any more attention from me. If anything, the more shit she makes up, the less important she becomes to me, because it shows that she just can't take our friendship as it is, she has to improve it, she has to milk me for sympathy or attention or whatever. Maybe the reason I've been with her so long, through all this shit, is that exact same quality she was complaining about the other night. She's trying to get blood from a stone.
Well, now that I've unloaded this, maybe that'll help me tonight when I talk with Ayako. Help her understand why I'm not exactly thrilled to be the one who needs counseling here. But I know that I'm not perfect, any more than Caron is, which is why I've agreed to the chatting. I know I need some work on the whole emoting thing. Because Ayako doesn't have these sorts of problems, but still I think the relationship is much weaker and more fucked up on my side than it is hers. I know I have issues, there's no question about that. I just don't always have the strength or courage or willpower or whatever, I don't have the stuff to overcome them, or even work on them. But I know that self-improvement is possible with me, it's just damn hard and takes a lot of time and effort. And as we all know, willpower is not my strong point. However, I have decided that the point of life is self-improvement, and I have a lot of crap to get over before I become even a 'normal' person, let alone .. not a better person, but ... more fulfilled, I guess. More complete. A satisfied person. I just need to focus my thoughts and energies, and not let the apathy and complacency that has always been too much in me get me down. Self-improvement is the word of the day, people, and if I can improve myself and my ability to participate in relationships, then it will be that much harder for me to criticize myself, or feel guilty. And if crap happens on the other side of the friendship or whatever, then I will be able to take a good long look and see what part of it was my doing, and what part of it was theirs.
Sigh... Mary J has it right. I'm such a white girl, so it's corny for me to say this, but seriously... no more drama!
Thursday, January 24, 2002
... but before I go, let me just say...
I am such a better designer than most people. These people do this stuff for a LIVING and they can't get it right.
To avoid a libel suit, I won't be specific but.... jeeezus! You could be just so much better.
To keep up the impression of humility, I will also heartily agree with anyone that says that there a lot of people out there that are far, far better designers than I. So much so that I am often ashamed of my work. But then I see the the creative endeavors of the general population, and my ego is once again revived. Until I go jeans shopping, and then it is taken out back and beaten like a red-headed stepchild.
Okay, I'm really going now. Once I put in my contacts, I'll have no choice but to accomplish something useful. That's how it works.
I am such a better designer than most people. These people do this stuff for a LIVING and they can't get it right.
To avoid a libel suit, I won't be specific but.... jeeezus! You could be just so much better.
To keep up the impression of humility, I will also heartily agree with anyone that says that there a lot of people out there that are far, far better designers than I. So much so that I am often ashamed of my work. But then I see the the creative endeavors of the general population, and my ego is once again revived. Until I go jeans shopping, and then it is taken out back and beaten like a red-headed stepchild.
Okay, I'm really going now. Once I put in my contacts, I'll have no choice but to accomplish something useful. That's how it works.
Wow, I was looking back at my posts, and I realized that in one post I went hiking with Dad to the waterfall, and he was pretty okay. Then I posted a month later and he was dead. How fucked up is that? I mean, I'm glad that the bad time was so short, but that's just ... I dunno. I can't believe so much has happened. Half the time I think I've accepted with it, and dealing with it pretty well, and am moving on with my life. The other half of the time I'm like, so this is what shock is like. Fun.
I'm doing the Scarlett O'Hara thing again. I'll think about it later, and exercise now. Damn, this might actually be a cure for getting me to exercise. Think horrible depressing thoughts, do incredibly boring homework, or sing loudly and off key on the NordicTrack to Saturday Morning Cartoons. Now which one looks better??
Anus. Well, off I go.
I'm doing the Scarlett O'Hara thing again. I'll think about it later, and exercise now. Damn, this might actually be a cure for getting me to exercise. Think horrible depressing thoughts, do incredibly boring homework, or sing loudly and off key on the NordicTrack to Saturday Morning Cartoons. Now which one looks better??
Anus. Well, off I go.
My DSL is here! Woohoo! Already Morpheus is downloading - ahhhh mp3 freedom is mine once more!
Jimmy Eat World - The Middle. :D
Also a couple of songs from the Orange county Soundtrack - looks like an absolutely wretched movie, though. Blegh.
Delaying exercising and doing homework. I'm just not in the mood right now for metaphysics and programming (much to the chagrin of many fellow cmu-ers, I'm sure, since these are their favorite topics of discussion, besides sex and your mom *cough* g.tobin *cough*)
Sigh... I wish I'd been in the other line when they were handing out:
metabolisms
hips
motivation
preferences for vegetables and other healthy foods
musical ability
conversational and social abilities
magical powers
I should really go. Damn stupid reality. Spbbblllt.
jdy, where is this blog you speak of? i'm curious now.
Jimmy Eat World - The Middle. :D
Also a couple of songs from the Orange county Soundtrack - looks like an absolutely wretched movie, though. Blegh.
Delaying exercising and doing homework. I'm just not in the mood right now for metaphysics and programming (much to the chagrin of many fellow cmu-ers, I'm sure, since these are their favorite topics of discussion, besides sex and your mom *cough* g.tobin *cough*)
Sigh... I wish I'd been in the other line when they were handing out:
metabolisms
hips
motivation
preferences for vegetables and other healthy foods
musical ability
conversational and social abilities
magical powers
I should really go. Damn stupid reality. Spbbblllt.
jdy, where is this blog you speak of? i'm curious now.
Monday, January 21, 2002
So, here's a quick sum up of where I am right now...
1) Desperately waiting for my DSL installation kit to arrive so I can stay online already!!
2) Taking classes at community college. Ceramics, Drawing, C++, and Myth in Human Culture. One online, one telecourse, 2 downtown. Good stuff so far. I love the first week of classes.
3) Been on SlimFast for 1 week. Thinking of switching to the Peanut Butter Diet. Haaaaha.
4) The following CDs are new and happy in my life:
Pete Yorn - musicforthemorningafter
Weezer - the green CD with hashpipe, photograph, island in the sun
The Strokes - Is this it?
Saturday Morning Cartoons - Various Artists (not exactly new, but newly purchased. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!!!)
...yeah, that about covers it. Oh, and my website is (mostly) back up! check it out.
Later all
1) Desperately waiting for my DSL installation kit to arrive so I can stay online already!!
2) Taking classes at community college. Ceramics, Drawing, C++, and Myth in Human Culture. One online, one telecourse, 2 downtown. Good stuff so far. I love the first week of classes.
3) Been on SlimFast for 1 week. Thinking of switching to the Peanut Butter Diet. Haaaaha.
4) The following CDs are new and happy in my life:
Pete Yorn - musicforthemorningafter
Weezer - the green CD with hashpipe, photograph, island in the sun
The Strokes - Is this it?
Saturday Morning Cartoons - Various Artists (not exactly new, but newly purchased. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!!!)
...yeah, that about covers it. Oh, and my website is (mostly) back up! check it out.
Later all
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