You know, this here is one of the problems with online courses. First, I found out that one of my teachers looks like Santa Claus, and that took me a long time to find out. I probably would have done more work had I known SANTA was teaching the class!!

And now, I find that my mythology teacher is a potential hottie. Hotties are so rare as teachers, and now here's one and I never get to see him. :(



Sigh... on the other hand, the information age has produced some strange habits that apparently are widespread. For instance, friends calling each other to talk about gossip or TV shows during a commercial, then simultaneously saying "It's back on" and hanging up to watch the rest of the show. Sarah did this during Law and Order with one of her friends, and Caron and I did it tonight with ER (she's upset that Dr. Greene's brain tumor is back. I'm sure he's not particularly thrilled about it either.) Oh, and Kovatch (sp) and Carter are getting in a fight next week! I'm gonna *have* to watch that. The two hotties rolling around on the floor with each other... ooooooo! It's like guys who like cat fights. Actually, my hormones are just in high alert or something, because hotties are just coming out of the woodwork. And for some reason, the patented response to "He's hot" is "YEAH he is." It's said a certain way, not sure if I can express it on here... but Eunice mentioned Kip the speed skater being hot, and I said, "YEAH he is", and I said that Mosely (hosting SNL this week) was hot and Caron said, "YEAH he is", and we said one other guy was hot but I forget who, and she said it again.

Morpheus has become downright insulting. I try to connect, and it says my version is TOO OLD to connect to the network. Age discriminating motherfuckers.

I really need to get something accomplished tomorrow.

And I need to do something about how scared I get so easily. I keep hearing the house make noises, regular house noises, like the wind blowing against the windows and they make a little cracking sound. But it sounds like someone at the door, or in the house, and it freaks me out. I have the alarm on, I don't know why I think people can get in without setting it off, but I do. In CatMan, I knew that Helen didn't always lock the door (I don't know what she was thinking), so when I would get home late at night and she wasn't there, I was already keyed up from the dark scary walk home. I'd check everywhere, in the closets, under the bed, turn on all the lights and check the entire place, before going to bed, and I would still keep opening my eyes every few seconds to make sure no one had opened the door to my room. I still do that, I did that last night while I was falling asleep with my headphones on. I also watch my cat, and if he suddenly lifts his head and looks at the (slightly open) bedroom door, I freak out and look at it to see if there's anyone there.

I live in a safe neighborhood. I've never been attacked. I have the alarm on. Why am I so fucking paranoid? Does everyone have this problem (doubtful)? I always think there's some freak coming to get me. I'm not this freaked out when someone else is in the house, regardless of who it is and their ability to actually defend me if it came down to it. I think it's my excessive imagination. And my nightmares. I have freaky ass nightmares. I told Dave and Willy (6'3") one of my nightmares and they got creeped out.

If you don't wanna get creeped out, don't keep reading.

Yeah, so one night I had a nightmare. I woke up in my room, in bed. It was dark, and I was the only one home. Everything was just as it was in real life, but there was something... off. I realized that there were no little electronic lights in the room, not my alarm clock or anything like that. Then, as my vision adjusted, I realized my bedroom door was open, when it's never open. Then I realized that there was someone in the hall, pacing back and forth outside my bedroom door. Every few passes, he would stop, stare in at me, then keep pacing. He was mumbling to himself and shaking his head. Crazy. I looked towards my portable phone, there at the foot of my bed. I looked back at the door and he was gone. I knew he was still in the house. He could be right outside the door, but I didn't know. I finally managed to move to the foot of my bed and pushed the 'talk' button to call 911, but nothing happened. The power was off, maybe the phone lines cut. I saw my cell phone, fully charged, sitting next to the open door. I knew I would never be able to pick it up, knowing that he could be waiting right outside the door. I'd just wait there until he came and got me. I considered even jumping out the window, but I was on the second story, and there was a cement walkway outside, and I could break my legs. Not to mention he could have left the house, and would be right there when I fell. I woke up with the sickening feeling that I was trapped by fear, that there was a way out but I didn't have the guts to use it.

I think that may be part of the reason I'm so scared all the time - not necessarily of being hurt. I don't care if I get beat up, I really don't. If that was all I had to worry about, I so wouldn't care. I really don't want to be raped, and I would like to spare my family the pain of me being killed. Also, I'd be kind of pissed because I think this life I'm in right now has a lot of potential, and I'd feel like I didn't get a whole lot accomplished in this life, and it'd be a big waste of time for the most part. But I think a lot of the reason that I'm scared is that I would be one of those stupid people on TV and in the movies, who had the chance to get out, but they were too dumb or too scared, and fucked up and got themselves killed. I think that's what would really bug me, that I wouldn't have the guts of the ability to do the right thing. Like the woman who stabbed her attacker with a pencil, a fucking pencil, and managed to get away. Would I think well enough to grab a pencil? I often choose the right thing in a bad situation, but not immediately. I choose something dumb first, then the right thing occurs to me. Usually it's in enough time, but when it's only a few seconds... I'd do something dumb. That's what worries me. That's why I'd wanna take martial arts and stuff - not only so that I'd have a little more chance of being effective, but to increase my confidence level. I'm gonna try to convince my mom to let me sign up for some after Spring Break. (That just so does not sound like something a 21 year old would say, does it? Well, I have no money, and no car, so I have to ask my mommy for everything. Only for a few more months.)

Sigh. Okay, I'll play some Doom and creep myself out (how many fucking levels does this game have, anyway???), and then go to bed, because fuck if I'm accomplishing anything.

And call Bob's cell phone and find out exactly when my mom is coming home, because she decided not to leave any of us that particular information. Good one, mom.

Blegh. Good night all. Sweet dreams.

People for Workers Rights - WEF protests

Yeah, I know these people. And I fucking love them. Aren't they fantastic?? Ahh, the balm for my bleeding heart...

Speaking of which, I was talking with (my sister) Sarah last night about politics (for the life of me I can't remember how we got on the topic). She kept going on about how people just don't seem to notice that Bush is a stupid dirty whore. That led us on to Enron, and I mentioned how when I first looked into his eyes on TV, I got the feeling that Dick Cheney was the incarnation of pure evil. Sarah said something that pretty much summed it up.... to paraphrase:

"Do you remember that show 'V'? You were pretty young when it was on, but it was this mini-series about an invasion of alien lizards taking over the earth, wearing human suits. And you know, if Dick Cheney decided to remove his human suit one day and he was actually a giant alien lizard, I would not be at all surprised." Yay.

Okay, you *know* I had to take this. And yes, I stole Logan's picture for later... enjoyment. *evil grin*


I'm Rogue
What X-Men Character are You?

Okay, finally. My internet connection has just been dicking me over today. First it said blogger was down, now it's taking forever to type anything in pine, and it has yet to connect to Morpheus. Um, this is WHY I'm paying 50 bucks a month for DSL....

Maybe it's just upset because I haven't been online in a few days. Or confused and baffled. Or maybe it feels betrayed because I used (gasp) another computer. I was at Sarah's place for a few days, to facilitate my going to classes. I got everything done I was supposed to, though. I finished my incense burner for Jenny (if it doesn't break apart in the kiln, since it's already broken like 5 times). It really needs to be cleaned up, it's got all this crap all over it, but maybe if I pile enough glaze on it, it'll cover all that up. *shrug* And I made my watering can in one day. It looks... interesting. I'm probably going to put a leaf design on it, maybe do an undercoat of white slip and then do paper resist leaves and speckle a darkish brown on, so it looks all antiqued or something. And something different inside, new and spring like. Although now it looks like a civil war vet, with a big white bag tying it together (the spout isn't properly cantilevered and it keeps breaking).

My weird shell-rib-fish-bug thing came out pretty well, although I liked it better with the old color, so I think I'm going to go with a darkish brown stain or oxide, to keep the texture on it. So now I'll have to start coloring stuff as well as making it. Like I didn't spend enough time there already. All of my stuff takes ass-long to make, is structurally unsound, organic.... hmm, REMIND you of anything? Like, maybe, my ENTIRE DESIGN PORTFOLIO??

I'm not sure whether they're bad habits I need to break, or part of my personal style and charm.

Meanwhile, since I've come home, my cat has not strayed more than 10 feet away from me at all times, and actually licked my finger today while I was petting him. I guess if he's desperate enough, anyone becomes 'mom'. He's been purring almost non-stop.

I have a pretty big to-do list (I'm working on it, can ya tell??), but at least it's not as bad as it was before. I got an 88 on my c++ test (the whole string thing threw me off), watched my two mythology videos, posted about both of them, took the test (but I forgot to read the selections for the last chapter first - d'oh!). All I need to do now is do laundry, clean the house, wrap the shower gifts, find Mom's itinerary so she can pick Mom up from the hairport on Saturday (no, that wasn't a typo), fix a lab for C++ and do a new one, do a realistic rendering of some small object on bristol board, plan my Florida trip and download some MP3s and do a round of burns for our trip. Although that last part I can do after Wednesday since we don't leave until Sunday. Not bad, right?

But of course, today I'm going to blog, eat, and play Doom, because I'm a slacker and I LOVE IT. I think I'm going to put blankets over my window (when I start sleeping upstairs again) so that I can sleep until mid-afternoon all the time. I've done that at least half a dozen times since my mom's been gone. Bwaaa hahahahahahaaa. At Sarah's on Tuesday I woke up at 2:30 and stayed in bed until 4pm. That was a new record for me... I woke up today at 1:30 because Caron called, but I had to pee anyway, so it worked out well. I called Sarah when I woke up, because she'd left me a couple messages. She told me about all the stuff that was in walking distance (because I'm the type to go to movies and coffeeshops by myself.... on foot...), and was worried that I'd feel housebound. Ha.

Okay, if I start my laundry now, it won't be a complete waste of time to play a couple rounds of Doom. Yeah.

Well, my mom took off for Naples today. She'll be there for 10 days with our old pals Bob and Connie, meeting her for R&R from Saudi Arabia. I really hope she has a good time. I don't know that she's ever really gone abroad without my dad with her, and I think she was beset by some doubts right before she left. I think it'll be good for her, though, to get away and start making her own memories. I just hope things go pretty well and she enjoys herself. Although it would be pretty hard to go wrong with Campania. ;)

She's been looking at traveling to a lot of places recently, and I really hope she takes me on at least one. I haven't left the country since I was 14, and there are so many place I want to go. I severely doubt, however, with my socially-redemptive job that I hope to get after graduation, that I'll be able to afford to really go anywhere. Which is why I was considering maybe looking at jobs in the Netherlands, which is where the concentration of those types of jobs seems to be. And from the Netherlands, you can go a helluva lot of places for not too much trouble. Except Australia, which is far away from everywhere except New Zealand. But I really wanna go there sometime soon...

I am going to Miami and the Keys soon, although now Caron has sufficiently pissed off John that it seems like there's not really a reason why we should be going *there*, but whatever. So now we're staying in fucking Ft. Lauderdale instead of closer to the Keys, which is where I wanted to go in the first place, and we'll be right down the street from a guy who's not talking to her now. Caron just makes her life difficult, and while I don't mind because it adds some vicarious interest to my life most of the time, it really sucks when you try to do something *with* her. Especially when it involves lots of money. But whatever, I can salvage the trip pretty well - there's the Art Deco section of Miami, the Everglades, the Keys, and various other sites of historical interest. I'll let Caron take me bar-hopping once or twice, I guess, to shut her up. Yeah, I'm a big nerd, but at least I know how to enjoy myself. Nyeah.

So right now, instead of being at school and catching up on all of my work, I'm sitting at home with a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever had, but it's enough to make me achy and miserable, and it would just get worse if I was forced to be in public and all polite and everything. Here at home I can safely lounge around in my robe, drink gallons of OJ and make disgusting noises.

I should do my last couple of C++ labs and post to the discussion board of Myth and Human Culture. I was too tired and out of it Sunday night to say anything intelligent, and I've been too lazy since then. That's why I try to have mad work ethic for as long as possible, because once I miss a deadline, it's all downhill from there. Like when a figure skater falls on a jump and they just give up on the rest of the performance, even though they might still have a chance. I'm an Olympics addict.

So I've got the house to myself, pretty much, for a week and a half. If I had more energy, I'd do the Tom Cruise in Risky Business scene. We watched that Saturday night up in Pittsburgh at Dave, Jeff, blonde-haired Sarah and Shaina's house. I think Shaina lives there... Anyway, Dave chose it, as it is his "mom's favorite soft-core porn movie". No kidding. I'd only seen it on TV - whew! They did a lot of editing there, didn't they? It was only slightly awkward, as Alexys left early and Jeff walked Dorothy home, so it was just me (I was nodding off), an unconscious Ayako, and Dave. Earlier that night we were making enchiladas, Dorothy Jeff Alexys and I, and Ayako had gone to Dave's room earlier to pass out. She hadn't slept in a few days, so that was understandable. Dave was tired too, so he told Alexys that he was going upstairs to take a nap with Ayako. Then he said, "No, actually, I'm gonna go upstairs and have SEX with Ayako," and left. Alexys, innocent little "shoot and darn" girl that she is, just couldn't make herself actually say Sex, so she said Dave and Ayako were having cheesecake. Thus ensued multiple double entendres regarding cheesecake, which became our new word. (I severely doubt they were actually having sex though, since Ayako was too tired to do *anything*, and I don't think they've taken their relationship to that stage yet anyway).

The next day Ayako and I overslept (having gotten back to the Beeler house at 5 am), and had to buy a shitload of food at the Strip District and the Sq'Hill G'Eagle (prounounced squill geegle), and cooked frantically until 7:30, when about 15 of our closest friends showed up to be fed. Luckily we made just enough food. My praline topped sweet potatoes were a hit and used as burrito filling (?!). Mr. Allen's Candy went pretty quickly too. We all crammed onto the couch and watched the Olympics - the room absolutely exploded when the speed-skating crash happened and Ohno (Oh no!) went down. It was fun.

The party eventually broke up around 11 - 12, except the core group of Jeff, Dorothy, Alexys, Ayako, and Willy stayed behind. We discovered that Ayako had brought back some tape from the South Africa conference that made electric blue sparks when you pulled it apart, so we commenced sitting around in the pitch black living room pulling tape apart for the next hour or so. We sang along to the cheesy 70s/80s music coming from the party in the duplex next door, like Come Sail Away and Grease. Willy kept taking pictures with his digital camera and blinding the fuck out of all of us, but getting some great shots. Then we had a massive group hug while they were leaving around 2 and took pictures from inside the circle.

I told this to Jenny and my mom and Jenny commented that she would have done that stuff in college, but only if she was high, and realized that we were weird enough that we didn't need drugs. Which has been my stance all along, but hey...

Anyway, this blog is getting long enough. Time to program... well, maybe one game of NetHack first. ;)

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Bwa hahahahhaaaa. I just made a candy heart that says "you nig" and sent it anonymously to Caron. (her new word is nigger. everyone, regardless of race, is a nigger, or 'nig'.) She'll think it's from her friend who calls her nig, but he will deny it, and it will be.... a mystery heart!

Yeah, I need to post to the discussion board, shower my nasty ass and go the fuck to bed.

Damn you, in the closet boy.



*Take This Test!*

Woah - deja vu.

Anyway, I was going to say that I'm slightly embarassed now on behalf of environmentalists. It's one thing to use numbers in an argument, it's another to twist them in your favor. Use numbers if they fit, come up with a good rebuttal if they don't. It's basic debate (I think). I really want to contact someone in these liberal orgs and ask them why they're using them in such a way. Because it's an easier to win people over by lying to them? That's not good, people. Shame on you. Show me some real numbers, or show me some good alternatives, and then I'll debate on your behalf. Until then, I'll just send meaningless little emails to senators when you write them for me, and feel like I'm doing a good deed and staying active and informed, when I really know I'm not. If this gets done, I'll partly blame you for handling it badly, and possibly fucking up our credibility for battles to come. Tsk tsk tsk.

It's hard to be unbiased.

I'm trying to figure out what the hell is really going on with the whole energy situation, and I can't find anyone who doesn't have their own agenda. It's very hard. I never thought about this stuff before, I was never aware of the conflicts.

Basically I'm just getting hit in the face with the difference between idealism and realism, and it sucks ass. It's like growing up. But then again, I'm in the grip of strong hormones right now so take my emotionalism with a grain of salt.

On one hand, all of these things that are going on feel so wrong to me. It hurts to look at things, and hear things. It's so draining to see unnatural things all around you. Everything seems so tragic, hurtling towards our self-created doom like dinosaurs. I've always cared about these things, people being mistreated, the environment being ruined, etc. Since I was a little girl I was always concerned, angry, sad about the horrible things going on.

Was it all just a product of liberal media?

But why wasn't I equally influenced by more conservative morals? Why did I choose one side over the other without realizing it? Was it as simple as "people are dying, the earth is being ruined, animals are disappearing" vs "we're rich and can do what we want?" Is conservatism just a harder sell?

You know me, I can't stand blind faith, but I realize how lazy I've been. I don't do my own research. I read what they send me ('they' being liberal organizations like PIRGs, Sierra club, WWF, etc), say, yeah, that's bad, we should change that, and click the little 'send e-mail' button. But I never did independent research on my own.

Now I did so, because I (finally) posted to g.tobin about drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. This other chick shot right back with numbers I'd never seen before, so I did a little research and found the same numbers, and realized what had been twisted. So I'm looking to find out what's really going on, trying to find an independent study done by unbiased people, and it's impossible. It seems to be either one side or the other, like the issue is a coin and it will never land on its side. Who am I supposed to believe? The reports referenced by the oil industry, or the government department devoted to energy? Just because it's part of the government, does that mean it's unbiased? Wouldn't it be the opposite? On the other hand, I don't want to listen to conservative or liberal groups, unless they expouse the opposite side.

But in my heart, I know what's right, and I know what's wrong. I know what needs to be changed, but I can't figure out how to change it. Does that excuse us continuing what everyone knows is wrong, no matter how it's spun? It feels like laziness to me, and that frightens me because laziness is something I combat almost constantly.

Should I go blindly with the side I agree with in my heart, and tell compromising logic to shut up? Do I want to be a well-motivated fool, or informed, understanding, compromising and altogether apathetic?

Is it so wrong to be an idealist? Shouldn't we all be trying to change the world as best we can, even if we are overshooting our goal? Or do we just end up making it tougher on ourselves because we force ourselves to turn blind eyes to the truth?

My heart, my soul, wants to know that there are wild places out there that business and concrete has no access to. I want to know that there is a place of safety and solace to retire to. I want to know that part of the world is healthy and whole, and doing what it has been doing since eons before we ever showed up. I want to know that we are living in complete harmony with nature, or at least that it will be possible in the future. I think it is, I think we can figure out how to work with what's been here without ruining it. We're smart enough, I think we can do it eventually. But the world is like government. It's too big, it's too slow, and it's going in all different directions. It's going to take a long, long time before we come to a decent equal compromise with the natural world, and I'm afraid that it'll be too late, and we'll have screwed it all up by then.

I understand that we need to take baby steps. I know that, I know change cannot be achieved all at once. We're still learning. Half a century ago people were smoking while they recovered from surgery. Cigarettes and red meat were good for you. Now we know better. We didn't know the effects of A-bombs and people in Las Vegas watched the tests like a fireworks show, and it just boggles our minds now. We're changing and growing, and becoming more self-aware and informed. I don't expect things to change overnight, but if we don't push hard on one end, how will we ever get turned around? If we keep going straight ahead, will we end up in the right place?

There are people out there who subscribe wholeheartedly and completely without thought to any idea that resembles something conservative or right wing, and we think they're complete fools. 'How can they think those things,' we say. How can they believe that one person is better than another, or unworthy of living, due to their appearance or religion or whatever. Am I the counterpoint to that? Am I the same sort of close-minded cultish fool who just believes what they're told and acts on it without thinking and...

No, because they're going against the human heart, I think, against their own emotions. They react on fear and anger, and they don't sit down and ask, Is this right? Is this how it's supposed to be? That's their problem, they're betraying and ignoring what they know is good and true.

I'm not betraying my feelings and heart. I know what should be happening, I know what feels right. So am I a fool because I don't compromise? Because I stand my ground and say logic schmogic, this is wrong, this is not how it's supposed to be, and it should be fixed?

Logic says that importing oil from the Middle East is costly and dangerous. Logic says that we can't just stop using oil on a dime, that we need time to more fully develop alternative fuel choices. Logic says that they're only using a small part of a large park to get a large amount of fuel that will help carry us over until the time when we can more successfully transfer off of oil, or at least cut down on our habit.

My heart says I don't care, there's got to be a better way. It just feels wrong, I can't take it, I can't allow it without fighting. I don't care if it makes sense, it's a step towards hell, I know it is. Not because of the caribou. Not because it's a national park. Because it was here first, because it is ancient and softly wise and right now it is defenseless.

Basically I would treat the wildlife reserve as if it's the Forest God in Princess Mononoke. You don't cut off its head no matter what, because it is a powerful force that we don't understand and it will wreak havoc on us in its revenge. The earth is already punishing us as we are punishing it. When we rip it apart and burn it, it releases poisons and plants cancers in our body. It's fighting back and it's fighting back dirty because it's the only way it knows how. The benevolent god, when crossed, is terrible in its wrath, and I fight for it because it's benevolent and because it is dangerous.

Doesn't anyone else stop every once and a while and wonder what the hell happened before we were born that turned the world into what it is, and what it looks like? That made these things we take for granted commonplace? Wonder what it would be like without it, without them, without the problems and the guilt?

That's a lot of it, for me, the guilt. I am a member of this race and as such I am poisoning myself, I am destroying my house and I am slowly killing myself with every breath I inhale, with every morsel I consume, with every mile I travel I am a destructive force. It's my fault, I'm a part of what is wrong, I am part of the barbarian army that is at my own gate, and that is the guilt. I brought this on myself, I continue to bring this on myself, because I'm stuck in it. I can't just escape, I can't walk away. As much as I would like to think so, I can't do it. I'm a product of modern society. I'm lazy and ignorant, and I'm used to my comforts and my pleasures and my loved ones. I know how the world works and I'm realistic about it but at the same time, there's the guilt that casts a sickly pallor over my future.

I have to shrug my shoulders and admit that I'm trapped in this muck and mire of human misdeeds, and struggle along as best I can in the right direction. I have to hope that I can help the ones coming after me, my children or nieces or fellow man, or that in part my small effort while I was here on this Earth made life better. When I come back here, I don't want to have some sort of karmic debt to work off, I don't want to come back to a planet full of poison and deadness. I want to leave the world better than I entered it and that is so hard, so hard, because I am helping to destroy it, every second that I am here. The energy that I'm using now to figure out what kind of person I am and what I believe is helping to tear down what I want to build up. The guilt weighs on me like a cloak, enough to slow me down, enough for me to feel its constant pressure, but not enough to stop me, to choke me. Just enough to drive me mad.

Should I be smart? Should I accept the compromises that are offered and tell myself that moving forward is better than staying still, even if it's not quite in the direction that I would like? Or should I throw off the yoke of modern life and do what feels right, no matter how hard it is, no matter ... What's the best way to make a difference? My common sense tells me that it's better to change the system from within than to rail at it from without. If I can control the spin of the snowball effect perhaps I can get it rolling in the right direction. If I try to stop it, it will just roll right over me and I will have accomplished nothing save assuaging my guilty conscience. In what way am I doing all that I can do? One route is more physically comfortable and easy, the other is difficult but guilt-free. Will the knowledge that I can do more by compromising save me from guilt? Will it lift the weight enough that I can breathe and walk easily?

I think, as hypocritical as this sounds, that for now, while there's not much that I can do, I will take the easy route to ease my guilt. I will blindly click and send to senators and directors and support automatically the left-wing as one of the nameless masses. Then, when I have completed my transformation from child to adult, I can use my beliefs and my talents to make what differences I can. Until then, should someone prompt me to debate an issue that I haven't researched, I will stay mute and acknowledge that I am totally ignorant. I believe that despite how ridiculous it may seem to someone else, I will just give up and vote uncaring along party lines on issues. Until I can really do my part, the way I intend to, I will follow my heart rather than my head, and shrug and smile should anyone point out its logical inconsistencies.

After all, that's what saving your soul is all about. I will go on faith, and hope that what I know is right will win over what I know is logical, for whatever reason and through whatever means. While I am still nothing more than one in a million voices, I will add what little I can to what I agree with in my heart, and know in my head that I'm probably not making much of a difference either way. But if I'm going to tip the scales with my added weight, I'm going to tip them in favor of the side I want to ultimately win, regardless of the details.

Um... is it just me, or is Bob Costas annoying as all hell? He is such a condescending little shit. I can't stand him. He finds a way to belittle anyone and anything, jeezus.

On the other hand, I decided that if I ever get in shape, I might be good at biathalon. I'm a stamina type person, and the NordicTrack is all good with me, and I usually have pretty good aim when it comes to fast moving projectiles. I recall that I was quite decent at shooting in camp (BB guns, but hey), and I like archery. Plus anything where you can ski around and shoot stuff sounds cool. Although I've never been on actual skis. Anyway.

I have reached a new level of productivity. I'm actually getting my work done! I just finished my first program in C++ and it's like riding a bike. Easy as pie, baby. I only had 2 very minor issues, and it immediately worked right off the bat. I rock.

Plus, plus, as if that academic success weren't heady enough, my post to the discussion board for Mythology earned a positive "good insights!" comment from the teacher, and he hasn't commented on anyone else's post, ever! Well, I don't know about ever, but not in this class, anyway. Ha! It's just because I'm the only person who's open-minded enough to allow myself to grasp the concepts of the class. All the other Christians are terrified and defensive because he's questioning their faith, but not outright.. he's doing it in a very logical way and that is scaring them. They're all like, "Wow, that's neat, but he's so wrong it's not even funny, and I'm not even going to listen to him. Bah." Morons. I have nothing against Christians or any other believers of any other religion, as long as they don't accept it on blind faith. I highly disapprove of blind faith. Blind faith leads to cults. You don't get anything positive out of it. Most Christians who follow on blind faith don't end up applying any of the principles to their lives. They know they shouldn't be doing stuff, but they do it anyway, and figure it's okay because "they believe". That's just a poor excuse to keep you from feeling too guilty about your actions. If you're a true believer, you will take the lessons to heart and add them into your lifestyles, and attempt to make yourself a better and more aware person using those lessons. Not just go to church and pray when you're scared, and hate other people who aren't Christian because it says you can in the Bible. That's bullshit. You're not Christian, you're a poser.

Anyway. /rant. ;) Back to programming.

Oh, and may I say that the American speed skater, the one who's #3, Kip whatever (short 3 letter name) - he is HOT. And, it appears, rather um... well-endowed. *blush*

Okay, good night all. My thought for the night - keep your mind open and your mouth shut, and you'll learn a lot.

Well, my day started off badly.

I was turned down for short-term medical insurance. BlueCrossBlueShield of NC decided I was uninsurable.

Let's look at this : I'm 21 years old. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not sexually active. I'm a full time student and have been since high school. I have no medical problems, I haven't had surgery in a very, very long time and I haven't been in the hospital since forever. The only reason I ever go to the doctor is for checkups, the occasional infection, and twice at school I had minor injuries in the woodshop.

The only reason they would deny me insurance is because I'm overweight. Now, I understand that being overweight can lead to a lot of other conditions, but I'm only 21 years old. Compared to a lot of people I know, I'm not even *that* overweight. I'm not saying I just need to drop a few pounds, I know it's more serious than that. But it's not like I'm Sarah or anything.

I'm vegetarian. I exercise (occasionally), and when I do I go all out, and I'm fine. I'm on Slim-Fast, and I eat healthy. I cook most of my own meals. I'm probably healthier than most people but because of my weight, they think I'm a candidate for a heart attack or something?? I mean, I would understand if it was long term insurance, but this is short term. I'm graduating in December and hopefully it shouldn't take me that long to find a job that would provide medical benefits. I mean, temp services are giving medical benefits now, if worse comes to worse I'll get it through Kelly Services. Do they really think I'm going to develop an expensive medical condition, due to being 70 pounds overweight (which is about what I've been since puberty), in the next year? I mean, really.

So anyway, we have to appeal, and hope that they just have some little computer that kicks you out if you are over a certain BMI or something, and they'll realize, hey wait, what are the odds of something really happening here? Otherwise I have to go on Cobra (aka expensive) and look for insurance through one of my schools until I graduate. Blegh.

Well, maybe getting a job just took on more importance than I thought...

Yay! Joanne's coming home tomorrow and Saturday we will take her poor friendless and lifeless (wow, sound like anyone *we* know?) friend out for a tour of Charlotte and lunch. Hmm, Pike's or Fuel? Maybe Lupie's... anyhoo. Added a site meter to my site so I know who's watching me. (paranoia! paranoia!)

Got nothing done today, as usual, except cleaning up a bit and reserving our hotel room for Spring Break. Miami, here we come. Woo hoo!

But I need to find a webhosting service that doesn't suck or empty my pocket... eventually. Perhaps not now since I still have my andy account. Hrm. Time to switch some stuff over to the 100megsfree people. Not a great place for a webpage, but a decent place to hold your files, as long as they're not too big, apparently. Eh.

Well, off to bed. Good night everyone!

Well, I finally got my resume updated, although now there's a stray page break that refuses to leave. But in HTML format, you can't tell that, so I'm just not even gonna mess with it.

I need a job. It's the same story it always is. Get the boring ass job that pays, or get an interesting job that doesn't. The boring jobs are easier to find but usually require more time and commitment. Whereas, if I volunteer or offer to work free/cheap, the hours are usually somewhat less and the work far more interesting and fulfilling.

At this point I'd be okay working for minimum wage as long as it's a job I want. Otherwise, if I'm going to whore myself to the corporate world, I may as well make some serious cash. I could do Data Entry for 10+ dollars/hour. But I've, um, DONE THAT. A lot. It's boring. Even if the people are cool (which most of the time they're not), and the place is relaxed (rarely), the work is still boring enough that I want to remove parts of my body.

So. I need cash, but more importantly, I need something to take up my free time so I don't waste it all sitting on the stupid computer. Which do I go for first? No cash, but something that is enjoying and enlivening? Or cash to restore my depleted reserves?

To whore, or not to whore. That is the question.

It's rare that you find a job as cool as I did this past summer. I'm wondering if that formula will continue to work - "Hi, I'd like to solve your problems for free." "Oh really? Well, I can actually get funding for that. Here's massive amounts of money." "Gee, thanks!"

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaa.

I am now laughing insanely.

In my effort to rid myself of the invisible column, I inadvertantly switched on the little button that shows all the paragraph notations - the little dots in between words and all that. I went back to where I switched it on, and turned it off. It won't go off. It won't go off. IT WON'T GO OFF.

hahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaha.

for my own sanity, I vow to never work in Word again unless contractually bound to do so. Notepad it is!!!

Okay, so I just went fucking nuts and beat up the computer.

I'm working on Microsoft Word, which always makes me go nuts and beat up the computer, so I don't know why I'm surprised. But anyway - so I'm updating my resume, which is boring as hell because MSWord sucks ass and won't let you do what you want to do. Yeah, and apparently it will not let me have a one page resume. You see, I only have enough information to make a one page resume, but it insists on tacking on an extra page. Why? I don't know. I thought I had columns on the page - it says I don't. Somehow an extra column, which I can't see, which it says isn't there, is on the side of the page, holding no information. No spaces, no nothing. But for some reason, it not only insists on staying there, it feels the need to take up so much non-space that it requires an extra page. And it won't go away. I have tried deleting it in every way possible, and it either completely ignores me or tells me "That is not a valid action for the end of a row." After about 5 minutes of fighting with it, it pops up the aformentioned message again. I yell, "Yes it is! It means you go away!" and start pounding my keyboard keys like a fucking lunatic.

My cat, who is curled up in a box that is only 1/2" deep, looks at me like, "Yep, she's nuts all right. I can't believe I'm stuck in this house with a crazy person." Then he puts his head back on his ass and goes to sleep.

The weird thing is, I wasn't all that angry. I was even smiling at myself while I was doing it, because I know I'm a fucking lunatic, and it's funny. But I couldn't stop myself from beating up my computer like an ape.

Bill Gates, please remove your colon. Thank you.

I have to say this, just because it's cute. My cat stood up, stretched, turned around, sat down, put the top of his head on the bottom of the box and is now sleeping in the 1/2" deep box. On his head. With his ears sticking out the side. He is just so adorable.

already not likin' the new template. damn. as always, time to simplify....

well, that only took all night. I made my little quiz but I can't figure out how to write the javascript to direct you to the correct page. This reminds me that I am 3 weeks behind in my programming class. This is bad.

By the way, this is very useful. It's a color picker - put in the RGB values and get the hexidecimal code and see it onscreen, right there for you. Good stuff.

Okay, new template. I'll have to get used to it for a while.
I was trying to do something a little better looking, but HTML decided to be heinously evil, so I did this instead because it's easier. The part on the side is supposed to hold more neat little links (partly for my sake because I don't want to go keep searching for sites I read). Right now, though, it's late and I'm tired of doing this, so all you get is a couple of random headlines and a phony link. Sppbbbttt.

I think I may make up my own little test after taking all those on Spark.com. Are you Wendy? or How Wendy are you? Or something of that sort.

Well, *I'll* be amused.

Sometimes HTML is so unforgiving it makes me want to cry. Why doesn't it listen to me when I tell it a height? Why does it just ignore me unless I force it to do otherwise? Is there any point in actually using commands? "I see you want me to make this table 400 pixels high. But you know, I don't feel like making your life that easy. You need a challenge. You have to *make* me make this table 400 high. Otherwise, I'm going to make it as high as I damn well please, and make your page look silly. ha ha!"

Damn you, HTML. Damn you to HELL.

Fixing this template makes me want to rip my face off. I hate tables. I HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES HATE TABLES

and no, I did not copy and paste that.

According to The Spark.com, I am...
"56% lazy
Now back to that week old meatball sub and train mission in GoldenEye!

FUN FACTS...
people lazier than you (36%)
people just as lazy as you (3%)
people less lazy than you (60%)
Based on the 89,483 submissions before you.

BONUS FUN FACTS...
48% of the people who have union jobs take naps at work.
74% of the people who have trust funds have nice breasts.
16% of vegetarians gave blood after September 11th.
Protesters like to dance.
And the laziest person at TheSpark is Greg McKenna and he is mexican and desires money from a bitch. "

And yes, it's true, I am a vegetarian who didn't give blood after 9-11, but I have a blood disorder and would be turned down anyway. So nyeah.

This is so not true. But oh well.

... Another one.


Take the What Will Your Result To This Quiz Be? Quiz
by napoleonherself, if you are so inclined.

In the Closet Boy posts a lot of cool quizzes.

Sigh... I just get the most inappropriate urges sometimes.

After looking at exactly how far behind I am in my C++ class, and doing (most) of my mythology homework, and knowing I have to move on to 4 'drawings' (using ink and a brush) of chairs for a figure-ground exercise, I get the sudden strong desire to make my own blog template after following the link on the front page to blogdesigns. That's the biggest annoyance to not having a static ISP, though. Wait, is that right? That sounds wrong... anyway, the fact that my computer doesn't have it's own address makes blogging harder. I have to type in my username every time and I forget which one it is...

I'm working on controlling my recent addiction to netHack. I just love anything based on Tolkien stuff - I am so happy when I encounter a hobbit and he asks about the One ring (although they do have a one track mind about that thing). Or when I eat a lembas wafer, or put on an elven mithril coat. I wonder if Everquest is like that - I understand why it's called EverCrack. I mean, NetHack is pretty addictive, and would probably be more addictive if I actually learned how to use all the neat stuff. It's starting to plateau, though, since I know all the basics but haven't yet ventured into the abyss of the in-depth tricks to the game. But if you can talk to people on EverQuest, and keep a good character without dying so easily, well... yeah, I'd be hooked.

Looking at the link from my last post, and playing nethack for the last few days, I really, REALLY wanna see Lord of the Rings. I mean, I always did, and I can't believe I haven't yet, but ... no one wants to see guy films with me. I suppose I need a man for that or something, but I want to see Brotherhood of the Wolf, Lord of the Rings, Count of Monte Cristo (although I may convince Mom to go see that with me). Sarah goes to movies all the time, but she only likes girl movies, like Serendipity and Kate and Leopold and all that nonsense. And since Jenny said she liked Pearl Harbor, I'm not sure that I trust her taste. That movie blew. "Hey there, no-personality girl! You're so pretty, let's *all* fall in love with you and ruin our lives!" And don't forget the overtly-American pro-war sentiments. War is bad, unless America is winning. Then it's awesome!

Anyway.

I need to do homework, need to do homework, NEED TO DO HOMEWORK...

I haven't exercised in forever, I've been breaking my diet (although probably still eating less food, and more healthily, than I have been for some time). I only cleaned part of the house the other night, although I don't feel too guilty about that since the bevy of women congregating in my dining room doing Mary Kay makeovers for nearly 5 HOURS isolated me upstairs all night. When I finally did venture downstairs out of hunger and the promise of veggie lasagna, they tried to ambush me and give me a facial, or soften my hands, or some such torturous thing. I had to explain to Bonnie (Mary Kay distributor extraordinaire) that for all intents and purposes, I am a man who *looks* like a woman. Not to say that I'm gay, mind you, I still like men. But even saying I'm a gay man that looks like a girl is wrong - gay men are on the whole more feminine than I am.

Sarah then recommenced calling me 'Wendell' for the remainder of the evening. Apparently that was her nickname for me while she was in law school, and the name of her laptop. I would take that as my fake guy name, when I sign up for stuff or something, but it's a bit too singular. You'd remember a guy named Wendell. And I think of Oliver Wendell Holmes...

Anyway, I'm taking baby steps. I grew my nails out, didn't I? I don't actually get them done or anything, but at least there's 1/8" or so of white on the tips. I watch figure skating and prefer it to the majority of other sports. I have a bouncy girly little haircut. I cook. And I wear women's clothes (mostly). Although I still prefer men's fashions. I look at their clothes in the ads in the paper, and I'm like, I really like those clothes!! Then I see the girl's and women's sections, and I'm just like... boring, ugly, stupid, boring boring boring...

Sigh... I definitely was a man in my last life.

Ok. Homework. Homework!!!!!!