Sorry to post again so quickly, but I'm making an effort to make my blog more readable, now that people are actually reading it.

So... how am I feeling right now? It's strange. On one hand, I'm glad I'm doing so well. I feel very responsible and independent. I'm working full-time, getting things accomplished, doing my job (mostly). I'm even the self-elected bill-payer for my household. Spreadsheeted them and everything.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm being set afloat and I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Which, of course, is how everyone secretly feels most of the time. That realization a few years ago both frightened and comforted me. If everyone is as clueless as I am, who am I trusting with things like the military, and driving.... but if no one else knows what they're doing, it's okay if I don't either.

That's why that thing with the 9 miners was so uplifting, I think. The fact that against all odds, 9 guys managed to survive down there was miraculous, sure, but in my opinion the fact that so many different groups of people managed to work together and actually achieve something successfully, for the most part, was the most amazing thing. I've worked with similar groups, and the fact that they did something, anything, without bickering, second guessing, holding back too long or miscommunicating just boggles the mind. It's either luck or divine intervention.

But I digress. Along with feeling confidently responsible, and youthfully insecure, I also feel like I'm behind the rest of my age group. I can see where I've progressed a great deal since high school, but there are still a number of things, either experience or personality defects that really haven't changed at all. Things that you would expect to have changed between the ages of 14 and 21. For example: relationships, particularly of the romantic nature. Still not a one, nothing even close (I'm not counting the stupid thing with the loser on the train, that was just boredom).

How much is it going to affect me when I get out there in the big bad world? For the most part I figured it would only affect my personal life, but now, too late, I see it might make a difference in my professional life as well. For instance, I was talking with Bronwen about various things when I happened to bump into her during lunch. We were talking about the whole ultra-liberal save the world movement happening in the design school and elsewhere, and she mentioned that a group had recently contacted her looking for a female designer to help develop birth control options for women in third-world countries.

Alarms went off in my head. She had just described my ideal job, the job I had made up a few years ago as the hypothetical be-all end-all of dream jobs. (Think of where a well-designed product could make the most difference. Think of female empowerment, not to mention AIDS and other STDs, reducing the global population and therefore the strain on a country's education, food supply, economy, etc.) And here I am, five months or so from graduation with my job, MY job, blowing raspberries at me from afar. The thing is, though, even if I *had* graduated in May, I would still have absolutely no experience with prophylactics of any kind. I don't know the mindset of someone frantically reaching for birth control. I mean, I can guess. I took sex ed, I have friends, I can use common sense, I know the basics, but ... would it hinder me? Would I even feel comfortable working on a project like that? How do you user test??

So I'm in a weird state of feeling confident, scared, and ignorant, all at the same time, and about to be pushed out of the womb of education and parental dependence. I suppose every change is like this, but I just feel particularly ill-prepared for this one, as opposed to most people. Especially considering that I don't feel like I have time to hang around, clean up loose ends and figure out my path like, um, most people around me. There's this urgent need in me to get the hell out there before I lose my momentum, spend all of my mom's money or end up in a less-than-ideal job in a place I don't want to live, and be stuck there forever.

Yeah, so that's how I'm feeling now.

I think I'm going to crank up my music, sing off key and dance horrifically. Catch you later.

I left campus earlier than usual today, at 5 pm. They're updating software on most of the clusters so I got kicked out with no where else to go, which I figured was a good excuse to just go the hell home and enjoy a gorgeous day. Unfortunately, that meant skipping yoga, but I wasn't in the mood anyway.

I went home and kept working on Jenny's scarf, which unfortunately I screwed up at the start by second-guessing myself. I made it too wide and it looks like an old-woman's scarf now, instead of the young with-it fashion scarf that I had originally intended it to be. Well, I'm still learning. I'm working faster, if not better. ;)

I had the uncontrollable and rare urge to be creative in some fashion today. I think it's because of all the 'designing' I've done recently. I'm teaching myself Illustrator, finally. It has so much cool stuff, and everything looks so clean and pretty on it. I always hate software that I don't know how to use because it scares me. That is, until I see what it can do. That's why I've never learned to hate Director, although I barely know how to do anything with it, because it is one of the absolute coolest programs. Ditto with 3dsMax.

I'm such a geek.

I just made white chocolate peanut butter rice krispie squares. Yes, you read that right. I should come up with another name for them, like 'Crunchy Joy' or 'Peanut Ecstasy' or something like that. And.... AND... they're vegan. Yep.

It's actually an old recipe that we used to make for Christmas years and years ago, but we stopped at one point. I don't know why. They're the best thing on this earth, I shit you not. I just happened to find vegan white chocolate at Murray Avenue Kosher up in Squirrel Hill. That's gonna suck when I move to a place with a smaller Jewish contingent. Kosher grocery stores are the bomb for non-dairy stuff. The chips I found were called Oppenheimer, imported from Israel.

The recipe goes as follows: 2 pounds white chocolate chips or shaved almond bark
1/4 to 1/2 cup of peanut butter (creamy is best, chunky works too)
4 cups crispy rice cereal (beware, I believe Rice Krispies are not vegan, get the cheap imitation)
1 cup peanuts

Combine cereal and nuts in a large bowl. In a double boiler on very very low heat, melt together white chocolate and peanut butter. Pour chocolate mixture over cereal, stir thoroughly. Spread 1/4" thick onto wax paper (at least 18" long). Let sit or refrigerate until solid, cut into squares with butcher knife. Makes way too much for one person. Note: rubber spatulas and metal mixing bowls are good tools for the job.

It was much easier than I remember, probably because it's currently 82 degrees in our dining room. It's usually hotter in the kitchen, so the chips actually started melting because I put hot water (not boiling, mind you, just hot out of the tap) in the pot and put the metal bowl filled with chocolate on top. I used so little flame it made popping noises. Worked perfectly. It's messy, but the best stuff in the world to clean up. Yummmmm.

Party tomorrow, gotta clean. Gotta go to sleep, too. It's funny to see my last posting - 'Your Song' came on the radio today and I went into a happy fuzzy dreamland of Ewan-ness. Then I got a haircut from a very strange man, who in addition to trimming and shampooing also does ouija readings and phrenology. He may also be slightly psychic. Craig Street, can't remember his name but he's in a shop over History's bead basement thing. $14.

Anyhoo. G'night...

Happiness currently comes from two soundtracks which I don't have.

1: Pleasantville, Fiona Apple's cover of 'Across the Universe'. It was on last night, so we watched it again. 3rd time this month. Love that movie.
2: Moulin Rouge!, Ewan MacGregor doing such a wonderful job of covering 'Your Song'. As if he wasn't perfect enough, the boy can sing.

Hm. Maybe I'll go CD-shopping with the money that housemate Darga is sending me for the security deposit.... music makes me happier than jeans...

This must be the catch-22 of blogging. If I have a life, I have no time to post about it. If I don't have a life, I have nothing to post *about*.

About to go shopping, so gotta keep it short. I've been swimming in Lake Arthur twice in the past week and sailing yesterday on Jeff's cute little catamaran with a rainbow sail. We talked about what's going on in the future and getting a domain name for me, Ayako, Jeff, Willy, and maybe Dave or Alexys (that's the group that's been going everywhere lately). Had a cookout last night and charred all the fake meat and buns. Went to Krispy Kreme last week in Cranberry on the way back from the Lake and got a dozen donuts, some of which are still downstairs taunting us. (Trying to go low-carb AND vegan, not working. Didn't eat a lot yesterday and ended up getting cold sweats right after dinner. Blah.)

Watched Office Space, good movie. Ayako's little brother was here last week, we watched some movies between the 3 of us - splash and shrek. (He's 17, btw... better than blood n guts tho).

Uh... getting Earth revived again, looks like I'll be a co-pres but I found someone to carry on the struggle. Also found a bunch of people for Barb to take over my job and some others. Sent an e-mail to Pam's friend Michael today to ask him for his dad's e-mail address- very cool guy, spiritual, wise, makes excellent chai from scratch. Works in New Zealand, has a possible job prospect for me in Canberra!!!!!!! So I've got to update my resume (or CV as they call it down there - curriculum vitae, vital courses, I think...) and send it down under. Whoooo!

Yeah, gotta get going. Too bad I don't know anyone with money or am trustworthy enough to do a blogathon... good luck to everyone else though!! I'd help but I'm broke too. :(

It's amazing how easy it is to make something look frighteningly powerful and important, just by capitalizing it. Bonus points for putting 'the' in front of it. Extra super bonus points for putting 'The' (with a capital T) in front of it.

And, of course, any reference to expansion, blind faith and/or world domination in the same sentence as The Noun increases Its importance exponentially.

Heh. Somebody found my blog by searching for 'Tom Cruise is an ass'.

Late for work. Bye.

Oh, and one last thing. There are two men in my office with baseball songs as their cell phone ringer. Perhaps it's one man with two different ring tones, I don't know. One is that organ song that they use to try to get people keyed up - the one where everyone yells 'Charge!' at the end. The other one is 'Take me out the ballgame'.

Apparently this man is very popular. And he often leaves his cell phone on his desk.

Grr.

It's vaguely terrifying when you're absorbed in a project and you do something disgusting without really realizing it.

Especially if you're in public.

You wonder... wait, was anyone watching when I did that? Are there cameras?

Paranoia.

Well, it's been quite some time, hasn't it? Two and a half weeks or so, should be, since that's the last time I was home. It's taken me that long to get online. :P Finally, though, after moving my computer up 3 flights, getting an ethernet cord delivered from Albany (courtesy of housemate Pam's parents), screwing up Ayako's computer getting the software I need put on a Zip disk, contacting Laura to get the password and a few more days of random troubleshooting ending with the discovery that our router has a bum plug, I am finally world wide again. Of course, I haven't found a chair for my computer table yet, so I'm sitting on the floor and reaching up to my Ikea desk to type. Ouch.

Much has happened since I last wrote. I guess I'll take it one day at a time and try to break it up so that a lazy ass like me might actually read it.

Day 1 - I drive up. We leave late, it's rainy, the highway downtown is crowded with traffic, and I'm driving without the use of my rear-view mirror due to massive amounts of stuff hovering behind our seats. We stay in the Holiday Inn in Beckley. Whoo.
Day 2 - We get here. I drive some, mom drives some, we stop in Wexford to figure out how to get to Oakland without the use of the tunnels, which are under construction. Say hi to Bruce, Kathy, and Jonathan, then take off to go move in. Get all my stuff out of the car and pile the vast majority in the dining room. Thankfully my bed is here and installed, and I actually get to sleep on it before working the next day. Mom takes off to go back to Bruce and Kathy's around dinnertime.
Day 3 - First day of work. Alexys and I begin our recycling odyssey joined at the hip in an empty cubicle and start on the Campus Recycling Master Plan, a term which thenceforth becomes annoyingly overused.
The rest of the week is basically this - wake up at 8, dress, grab a Slim Fast and make a peanut-butter pita sandwich and throw a bottle of flavored water into my backpack. Walk 20 minutes to the FMS building, sweating like hell because it's HOT. Work until noon, eat lunch with Alexys and sometimes Jeff (her sweetie boyfriend). Go back to work, quit at 5, go home, eat something before I pass out, take some stuff upstairs or downstairs, waste time, shower, go to bed.

Now the interesting parts. Wednesday night it is discovered that not only is the Cirque du Soleil in town, but they're leaving on Sunday. We all agree to buy tickets, groaning, and Jeff gets them online. Thursday night we meet up and fork over 62 dollars each and head downtown to PNC park (the tents are in the parking lot). It is so worth the money. Magnificent artistry, talented people, beautiful colors and textures, live music that can only be described as sublime (not the band), funny clowns, wonderful wonderful. Staggeringly overpriced food and a 'VIP' tent (you know I hate those). Those attending: Ayako, Me, Pam, Alexys, Jeff, and Dave. I rode with Jeff and Dave in Dave's car, the 3 girls rode with Alexys. On the way out, Alexys turned right and Dave turned left, for the hell of it. We were to meet at La Fiesta (1/2 price Mexican food after 11 pm) - they got there with no problem, we were 20 minutes late because we were wandering around downtown. Dave followed some of Jeff's directions, but not all of them. Zooming down alleyways, making left turns because the last one was right, going around in circles, laughing hilariously - good times. We ended up taking the bridge across the river over to Southside, because we at least could get home from Carson street. Ayako called to find out where the hell we were about the time I spotted Philthy McNasty's (a restaurant) and I knew we were set.

Hm, what next. Goodwill shopping for work clothes one day (all I have are cheap t-shirts with printing on them, not quite work attire although no one's said anything), lots of grocery shopping and hummus consumption, eating out various places, cooking various meals.

This past weekend was very social - Friday night I went to yoga with Ayako (ouch), then went back home to bake a vegan spiced date and walnut cake (although I substituted every ingredient except dates and sugar, but only because I didn't have them, not cuz they weren't vegan) which turned out good but scone-like. We hauled ass over to Edleen's dessert party and had a very multi-cultural evening. There was me and Ayako, a Korean designer friend of Edleens, Edleen herself who I found out is Haitian, Rodolfo the Chem-E from Chile, a Mech-E and her boyfriend, and two Pitt students from Brazil and Romania. Or was it Bulgaria? Somewhere. Everyone was very cool and we had lots of good wholesome discussion, and lots of dessert.

Next day we joined Alexys, Jeff and Dave, along with Chris (Doulgeris) Blue (looking fabulous in his mini-fro and navy and white jogging suit, by the way) and Edleen and went to the 'Strawberry Festival' at the ... something house off of Highway 28 (no idea). The Festival was strawberry shortcake for 3 bucks a pop under the porch, plus a 2 dollar entrance fee. I of course had no cash, so Ayako was my sugar mama, albeit begrudgingly. The house was hand built in the 1820s and looks better than the room I'm currently in. Filled with old stuff and agressive volunteers. We got hijacked upstairs by a woman in period dress discussing the history of the railroad in the Pittsburgh Area, then managed to escape outside (Ayako remained trapped within discussing career options). Alexys and I wandered into the tool shed to examine old settlers and Native American tools, only to be hijacked ourselves by a knowledgable old man explaining the various displays. Explaining the leather warrior weapons, he progressed to stories of inhumane treatment of Indians, especially in the Florida trailer parks, where they should be educated and given a decent house like everyone else (good intentions, didn't quite get the picture, sweet man). Discussing the atrocities of Custer, he branched off into good old fashioned Christian preaching and held us, um, spellbound for a good half hour, mostly looking at me while telling me to accept Jesus into my heart before the world ends. Finally he said he had to close up, but as we were leaving invited us back in for prayer. Interesting guy. Ahem.

Anyhoo, after our escape we proceeded to the Holy Cross Greek Orthodox Church in Mt. Lebanon for the Greek Food festival. Overpriced but good, rainy unfortunately. Ayako and Edleen were the only non-white non-Greek attendees. Ayako said she was getting 'Oh, so *that's* what they look like' looks. There was dancing and a live band in the gym, and Edleen and Chris (remember, Doulgeris) joined the circle and danced pretty well. Then the ameteurs left and the professionals took the stage in full costume and did some incredible dancing. Hot greek men doing traditional dance is very.. um, pleasing to watch. Mmmm.

At about 9 we took off and went back to campus, and Ayako and I rented 'Pleasantville'. I watched it all, Ayako passed out about halfway. Next day, it was GORGEOUS. 70 something degrees, bright blue skies and fluffy white clouds, and of course everything is super green. After a mexican breakfast to get rid of my avacado, I went out on the deck and used oil sticks to paint in my sketchbook. Ayako came out and drew me in pastels. I knitted a little, then we went to yoga (ouch) with Edleen and Lori. After yoga and a shower, we met at Aladdins for good cheap Middle Eastern food, then to the Coffee Tree Roasters for some goood coffee (white mocha, mmmm).

Today I got back from a harrowing day at work (we're behind already!), made Tofu Pad Thai and watched part of Goldfinger (Lisa had never seen a Bond movie). Ayako's downstairs catching what she missed of Pleasantville (love that Tobey Maguire, and Reese Witherspoon is the best) and I plodded upstairs to solve my DSL dilemma.

Expect more updates whenever I find a decent chair.